Day 24- 15 June 2013 - Julie

It's only been a short nine months since Andrew Hamnett and I first met, introduced by mutual friends Deb and Dean.

We both brought our own individual "issues" to the relationship but far from forcing barriers, they seemed to bind us together.

Together we are strong, happy and completely compatible even though we really know very little about one another.

Having "escaped" a 20 year plus , domineering and mentally abusive relationship I really wasn't looking for a  "serious relationship"at all but after our first date I couldn't imagine ever being without Andrew and this feeling for him has remained.

I was spending more time at Andrew's than in my own home in Swansea so I decided in March,  "what the hell, move to Pyle!"
                                       I moved all my worldly goods to CF33!! 

No regrets and looking forward to a happy new lease of life with Andrew, we'd talk for hours over glasses of wine about our plans for the future. We're not getting any younger and even talked about how we'd retire together enjoying long holidays in lovely remote corners of the world.

           A bit silly and romantic? Probably but these were our dreams and what we both wanted.

Shortly afterwards my health started to suffer.  It was like a bolt out of the blue. I knew there was something wrong but never suspected how very serious it was and how frighteningly quickly things could change from me being a bit congested and tired to facially looking like a grotesque, elephant woman, bloated and swollen, going deaf with protruding eyes and breathless all the time.

The congestion feels like I'm drowning, my face constantly numbed, unable to eat properly.
I could go on all night like this but that would be whinging!!

When my initial diagnosis of a sinus cancer was identified I asked Andrew to marry me. I wanted the doctors to be able to talk to him as my husband and not just my "partner". Seems a bit of a rash act I suppose but marriage was what we planned a little way into the future so it was just bringing our plans ahead to suit our needs for now.

He said "Yes" and has never wavered on that decision but I want him to know that he can change his mind.
I could not take on a challenge like Andrew is about to.

                                                           Not after nine months.


That original diagnosis has now been updated to a Rhabdomyosarcoma, an extremely rare cancer. At this stage the treatment options are still being discussed but my condition is causing a lot of excitement within medical circles because of its rarity and it would seem that far from wanting to send me home with a "Macmillan Nurse" to die, they want to save me and write all about it in their medical journals to tell people how they did it!!!
                                                               Pretty cool, eh! 

Anyway, back to where I started. It's only been 9 short months and I've gone from being Andrew's "Sex Kitten" to being his "Elephant Woman"!!
I look at myself in the mirror and no longer see anything which resembles "Julie".

                                                               Nothing at all. 

Just grotesque, dead eyes, tumours on my neck, swellings and frankly I feel disgusted by it.

But.......

             When Andrew looks at me he never makes me feel ugly. 

When he gently takes a tissue and wipes away the snot that I am no longer able to feel running from my nose, he doesn't make me feel dirty.

When he prepares my morphine, steroids and other tablets ready in case I forget what I need to take, he keeps it all light hearted not to make me feel useless.

When we talk alone and he listens to my fears and cries with me, he makes me feel safe and loved and I know he will never let anything hurt me if he can prevent it.

When he prepares food for me, he is constantly aware of my eating problems.
Even after just finishing another twelve hour shift. If I want baby food, all mashed up and easy to swallow, he sorts it for me.
                                                       No fuss or complaining.

Just a few of the many things which Andrew does for me without complaint or question.
Yet these small things have stopped me from tipping the full contents of my medicine cabinet followed by a good few glugs of strong alcohol down my neck!!
I kid you not. This man has saved my life by simply showing me a love which I had no idea was possible. I didn't know that such unselfish people existed.
That is until I met Andrew.

Andrew has shown me care, compassion, respect, love and I will not let him down.

I WILL get better and we will get our wonderful, if still very short relationship back to where it's supposed to be.

He has stood by me where many men would have walked away.
He is my strength but I wish I knew from where he gets his strength to do what he does for me everyday we are together.

 I love you Andrew Hamnett and I cannot wait to be Mrs Julie Hamnett .

                                                                   Julie x